The Power of Listening - An Ancient Practice for Our Future: Leon Berg a...

Texting, Our Great New Communication Tool….Or… How to ruin your relationship.

We all have a “soapbox” from which to preach about our pet peeve, and this is mine:

I can’t count how many couples have arrived at my office in an argument over a text “conversation”.

Besides the obvious problem of incomplete thoughts expressed in abbreviated text, the biggest missing “pieces” are feelings, subtleties that are provided by non-verbal communication (facial expression and  body posture for example), and tone of voice. There are so many missing pieces that it’s easy to see why texting is a problematic form of communication.

ME:  what r u up2 2nite?

YOU:  working call later

ME:  k

So, Are you working now? Working tonight? Was it an invitation out? 

 Is there interest in getting together, or checking up on “other’s” activity?

Who’s calling later?

We can fill the information in from a place of hurt and fear, or understanding and security.

My advice, and as a therapist I give little to no “advice”, is to use texting only for fact sharing:

I’ll be home at 6p.m.

need anything from the deli?

or for sending love:

hope you have a great day!

love you

If it’s more complicated, use the phone…..as a phone

Keeping your marriage healthy

So often couples withdraw into themselves when a problem occurs in their marriage. I see partners withdraw or strike out in anger. Both of these responses create distance. After enough distance is created, sometimes after many years of marriage, couples think they've fallen out of love. What they've really fallen out of is connection. In order to connect couples must listen to each other without judgment, without criticism, or agreement. Try listening to your partner with the curiosity you had when you first met. You CAN rekindle the spark!

in reference to:

"In a healthy marriage both spouses feel free to express their emotions"
- Anger – How To Express Healthy Anger (view on Google Sidewiki)

Relationship Workshop

Relationship workshops are a wonderful way for couples to deepen their intimate connection and reignite their love.

in reference to:

"communication for couples"
- Marriage Counseling and Marriage Advice (view on Google Sidewiki)

How do we keep romance alive?

Workshops that help couples share their thoughts, feelings, fears, loves....hopes for themselves, the future keep romance alive. Keeping a clear path for communication, trusting your partner will encourage your growth, creating a safe "home" for your feelings keeps love and romance alive. My favorite "home" is in my love's arms.

in reference to:

"Relationship Workshops"
- Tools For Togetherness Trust ~ Intimacy ~ Communication (view on Google Sidewiki)

What Happened To The Spark?

I listened to an NPR broadcast recently that was about marriage and it's questionable value for women. There was a lot of discussion about the "spark" dying out in relationships, and whether that meant it was time to move on, or if couples should still stay together. I felt a giant piece was missing. There was no mention about where the "spark" went when it disappeared, and how or why this happens. The conversation reminded me of building a camp fire. You start by igniting bits of leaves. If you turn your back on the fire, out it goes. If instead, you add bits of bark, kindling, and then logs you can keep the fire burning. It can't be left to grow on it's own, and you can't turn your back on it, no matter how big a blaze you have. If you ignore it the fire dies. Unfortunately couples are not taught how to grow that spark into an enduring flame, nor how to properly tend the flame to keep it alive. Our collective image of marriage focuses on what our partners can do for, or give us. Nothing in the program I listened to addressed what couples can do to grow their emotional connection. In essence, we are looking for a partner to bond with when we marry. We are looking for someone to understand us, to listen. Most arguments occur because both people want to be listened to, and nobody is listening. We tend to retreat from the other when we feel wounded or scared. Power struggles for control erupt, then fighting or silence and distance. Relationships require both individuals to work on their personal emotional growth rather than expect their partners to provide whatever is missing. Marriage is a wonderful, and safe place for this growth to occur. The fuel to keep that initial spark alive is in creating an environment for intimate connection. So the new question is, "What do we need?" or "What does our relationship(family) need?" Rather than "What do I need?" Neither person's individual growth must be sacrificed, rather it is encouraged. The greatest gift I received from my partner was something he said to me early in our relationship. "I want you to be the best 'you' that you can be." We teach these tools in our couples workshop.

-- I am a psychotherapist, licensed 28 years, who has specialized, for the past 10 years, in helping couples achieve intimate, healthy relationships .